5 Things People Get Wrong About Prison Wives

“You must be desperate.”

If you’ve heard that—or the look that says it—you’re not alone. Society has a lot of opinions about women who love incarcerated men.

Most of those opinions are wrong.

Here’s what people get wrong, and what the truth actually is.

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Myth #1: “You Must Be Naive or Stupid”

What they think: You don’t understand what you’re getting into. You’re being manipulated. You’ll learn eventually.

What’s actually true:

Prison wives are some of the most clear-eyed people you’ll meet.

We know exactly what we’re dealing with:

• The timeline (years, not months)
• The cost ($4,000+/year)
• The social judgment
• The loneliness
• The restrictions
• The uncertainty

We didn’t stumble into this blind. We chose it—repeatedly, daily—with full knowledge of what it means.

That’s not naivety. That’s commitment.

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Myth #2: “You Must Be Desperate for Love”

What they think: You couldn’t find anyone else. You’re settling for someone who can’t leave. You have no options.

What’s actually true:

Many prison wives had other options. Some were in relationships before. Some had (and still have) men pursuing them.

We’re not here because we can’t do better. We’re here because—for us—this IS better.

“I didn’t settle. I didn’t compromise. I found love in a place nobody expected.”

The irony? It often takes MORE self-worth to stay in a relationship that everyone tells you to leave than to walk away.

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Myth #3: “He’s Just Using You”

What they think: He wants your money. He wants someone to answer his calls. He’d leave the minute he’s out.

What’s actually true:

Some prison relationships are transactional. So are some relationships outside.

But millions of couples maintain genuine love through incarceration. They come out on the other side. They build lives together.

The assumption that incarcerated people can’t love authentically says more about society than about them.

Do we stay vigilant about manipulation? Yes—we have to. Is every incarcerated person a master manipulator? No. That’s a stereotype, not a universal truth.

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Myth #4: “Your Relationship Isn’t Real”

What they think: You can’t have a relationship without physical presence. You’re just pen pals. It doesn’t count.

What’s actually true:

Our communication is more intentional than most couples who share a bed.

We can’t text mindlessly all day. Every message matters. We can’t zone out watching TV together. Every call is precious. We can’t take each other for granted. Every connection is earned.

Research shows that relationships survive (and sometimes strengthen) through incarceration when couples maintain frequent communication. The relationships that fail usually fail because of disconnection, not distance.

Is it hard? Impossibly. Is it real? Absolutely.

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Myth #5: “You’re Wasting Your Life”

What they think: You’re putting your life on hold. You should be dating, traveling, living. You’re missing out.

What’s actually true:

We’re not on pause. We’re living.

Prison wives:

• Raise children
• Build careers
• Develop friendships
• Pursue education
• Have hobbies and passions
• Create meaningful lives

Yes, part of our heart is somewhere else. Yes, we’re waiting for someone.

But waiting doesn’t mean stopping.

“I’m not interested in a world where love is only considered valid when it’s easy.”

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What People Don’t See

They don’t see:

• The strength it takes to hold a family together alone
• The patience to explain the situation to your children
• The discipline to manage finances across impossible distances
• The grace to handle judgment without becoming bitter
• The faith to keep showing up day after day

They see a woman standing by a man in prison.

They don’t see the woman that relationship has made her.

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What We Actually Are

We’re not victims. We’re not naive. We’re not desperate.

We’re women who made a choice most people couldn’t understand—and kept making it, every single day, through circumstances most people couldn’t survive.

That’s not weakness. That’s something else entirely.

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To Anyone Still Judging

You don’t have to understand it.

You don’t have to approve.

You just have to know: your assumptions are wrong.

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If this resonated with you, you’re not alone. There are millions of us. Find your community.

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Share this with someone who needs to hear it—or with someone who needs to understand.