When Is Daddy Coming Home?
The question stops your heart every time.
You’ve practiced answers in the mirror. You’ve read articles about “age-appropriate language.” But when your five-year-old looks up at you with those eyes, nothing prepares you for the weight of it.
This guide won’t make it easy. But it might make it possible.
Before We Start
You’re not damaging your child by being honest. Research consistently shows that children do better when they know the truth—age-appropriately—than when they’re left to imagine worse.
What damages children isn’t the information. It’s:
- Feeling lied to when they find out later
- Sensing your anxiety but not understanding it
- Filling in blanks with their imagination (which is always worse)
- Carrying shame because no one will talk about it
You’re not breaking your child by telling them. You’re holding them together.
The Numbers That Might Help
- 2.7 million children have a parent in prison right now
- 5+ million have been through this at some point
- That’s roughly one child in every classroom
Your child is not alone. Not even close.
There are kindergarten classes where multiple kids have a parent inside. There are support groups. There are resources. Your family isn’t broken—it’s facing something hard.
Age-by-Age: What They Understand and What to Say
Toddlers (Ages 2-4)
What they understand:
- Daddy is gone
- The routine changed
- You seem sad sometimes
What they DON’T understand:
- Time (weeks, months, years mean nothing)
- Why he can’t come home
- Anything abstract
What to say:
“Daddy is staying somewhere far away right now. He loves you very much and thinks about you every day. He’ll come back when he can.”
What helps:
- Photos where they can see him
- A special “Daddy loves me” object (stuffed animal, blanket)
- Recorded voice messages if possible
- Short, frequent reminders that he loves them
Watch for:
- Sleep changes
- Regression (potty training, speech)
- Clinginess with you
Young Children (Ages 5-7)
What they understand:
- Rules exist and can be broken
- Consequences happen
- Missing someone hurts
What they DON’T understand:
- The legal system
- Why the consequence is so long
- Why they can’t just visit whenever
What to say:
“Daddy made some choices that broke important rules—grown-up rules. Now he has to stay at a special place for a while. It’s not your fault. He still loves you so much.”
Questions they’ll ask:
- “Is Daddy bad?”
- “When is ‘a while’?”
- “Can he call me?”
- “Will he miss my birthday?”
Answering “Is Daddy bad?”
“Daddy made a mistake. Good people make mistakes sometimes. Making a mistake doesn’t make you a bad person.”
What helps:
- A calendar they can mark (if the timeline is countable)
- Regular communication rituals (“Daddy Day” for calls or messages)
- Being included in writing letters or drawing pictures
- Knowing they can talk about him at home
Elementary Age (Ages 8-10)
What they understand:
- More details about right and wrong
- That this is different from what friends experience
- That people might judge their family
What they’re feeling:
- Embarrassment around friends
- Anger (at Dad, at you, at the world)
- Protectiveness over family secrets
- Confusion about divided loyalty
What to say:
“Dad broke a law—like the rules we have at home, but bigger rules for grown-ups. The consequence is that he has to live in a prison for [X years]. I know that’s hard to hear. It’s hard for me too. But our family is still our family.”
Questions they’ll ask:
- “What did he do?” (Be honest but age-appropriate)
- “Can I tell my friends?”
- “Do people think we’re bad?”
- “What if kids make fun of me?”
The friends question:
“You get to decide who you tell and what you share. Some friends will understand. Some might not know what to say. You don’t owe anyone your story—but you also don’t have to keep it secret if you don’t want to.”
What helps:
- Letting them decide about disclosure
- Not forcing positivity (“It’s okay to be mad”)
- Age-appropriate books about incarceration
- Maintaining normalcy where possible
Tweens (Ages 11-13)
The new reality: They can Google. They may already know more than you’ve told them.
What they understand:
- The legal system (basically)
- Social implications
- That the internet has information
What they’re feeling:
- Intense embarrassment
- Anger that may come out sideways
- Grief that looks like withdrawal
- Fear about their own identity (“Am I like him?”)
The conversation changes:
“I want to be honest with you about what happened. You might have questions—now or later. I’d rather you ask me than find out other ways.”
If they found out online:
“I should have told you sooner. I’m sorry. I was trying to protect you, but I see now that wasn’t fair. Can we talk about what you found?”
What helps:
- Acknowledging that this DOES affect their social life
- Not minimizing their embarrassment
- Giving them space when needed
- Letting them lead the conversation sometimes
Teenagers (Ages 14-17)
What they understand:
- Everything, essentially
- Long-term consequences
- System inequities (sometimes better than you do)
What they’re processing:
- Identity questions
- Future implications (college essays, background checks)
- Complex feelings about the justice system
- Whether to maintain the relationship
How it’s different: At this age, they get to make choices about contact. Some teenagers want nothing to do with an incarcerated parent. Some want more connection. Both are valid.
If they’re angry:
“You have every right to be angry. I’m not going to tell you how to feel about this. But I’m here when you want to talk—or yell.”
If they want distance:
“I understand. The door is open whenever—if ever—you want it to be. He knows you’re processing this, and he loves you regardless.”
What helps:
- Not forcing visits or calls
- Acknowledging the real impact on their future
- Therapy (individual, not family—this is their space)
- Supporting whatever relationship they choose
The Questions That Don’t Have Good Answers
”Why can’t Daddy just come home?”
The hardest question. There’s no answer that satisfies.
“I wish he could. So does he. But the rules say he has to stay there until [X]. I know it’s not fair. I’m sorry.”
Let yourself not have a good answer. Let them see that you’re sad too. Shared grief is easier than carried alone.
”Is it my fault?”
This question destroys you. And kids often carry it silently.
“No. Not even a little bit. Nothing you did—nothing you could ever do—caused this. Daddy’s choices are his. You are not responsible for grown-up mistakes.”
Say it more than once. Say it every time they need to hear it.
”Do you still love Daddy?”
“Yes, I do. Loving someone doesn’t mean they don’t make mistakes. And it doesn’t mean I’m not hurt. Both things are true.”
Staying Connected When He’s Inside
What Research Shows
Kids who maintain contact with incarcerated parents show better outcomes:
- Better emotional adjustment
- Less acting out
- Stronger relationship after release
But: Quality matters more than quantity. A calm 10-minute call beats a stressful 30-minute one.
Communication by Age
| Age | What Works |
|---|---|
| 2-4 | Photos, recorded messages, very short calls |
| 5-7 | Drawing pictures, simple letters, regular short calls |
| 8-10 | Email/messages, longer calls, including them in decisions |
| 11-13 | Let them lead contact frequency |
| 14+ | Respect their choices about contact |
Making Connection Feel Normal
Some families create daily rituals:
- A “good morning from Daddy” message read at breakfast
- A special song he records for bedtime
- A photo they look at together before school
It doesn’t replace him. But it keeps him present.
Taking Care of Yourself
The hardest part of helping your kids? You’re grieving too.
You’re explaining his absence while feeling it yourself. You’re being strong for them while falling apart inside. You’re answering questions you don’t have answers to.
You need support too:
- Therapy (not a weakness—a necessity)
- Other prison moms/families (they get it)
- Breaks (your kids need you whole)
You can’t pour from an empty cup. And you can’t hold them together while you’re falling apart.
When to Get Help
These are normal: sadness, anger, confusion, behavior changes that resolve.
These need professional support:
- Lasting changes in sleep or eating
- Withdrawal from friends and activities
- Talk of self-harm or hopelessness
- Aggressive behavior that escalates
- Academic collapse
You’re not failing if you need help. You’re parenting through something impossible.
The Thing Nobody Says
Some days, you’ll do everything right and it will still hurt.
Some nights, you won’t have the words.
Some questions won’t have answers.
And that’s okay. You’re not supposed to have this figured out. You’re supposed to keep showing up, keep being honest, keep loving them through it.
That’s enough. You’re enough.
Resources
- Sesame Street: Little Children, Big Challenges—Incarceration
- Children of Incarcerated Parents Library (Rutgers NRCCFI)
- Find Local Support Groups (Prison Fellowship)
For every parent doing this alone: You’re braver than you know.
If this helped you, it might help another parent. Share it with someone who needs it.
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